One Freak at a Time

Basic evil skill – convincing someone the pool water is warm.

Most days I can tell when Sinister is lying to me. And I’ll give him this: He really did think that the water was warm. Thus me calling him a freak.

<*insert raucous childish laughter*> “Thanks… now, what’s a freak?” – Sinister is 6 years old. He’s new to the whole freak thing. It’s so sweet. Now, to mould him in to my own image (*bwahahahahaha*).

Seriously, what is so fucking wrong with being a freak? In a world where the awards at school go to whoever answered exactly what the teacher was thinking after the 4th glass of “marking” wine, different is still seen as bad.

Now, I totally understand peer pressure. It normally applies from 10 to 19, or there abouts. After that, peer pressure is more about controlling minions – supple, little, minds. But lately, I’m talking to more and more people who are all hyped on the Lemmings phenomenon.

Parents who tell me how atheist they are, and yet sign their kids up to Christian Scripture classes because it is far more accepting. Or how about talking on and on about the great family holiday you have in South East Asia to share a different culture with your kids – except for the fact that you never left the god-damn resort.

So, when Sinister was asking me about the word “Freak”, I knew this was an opportunity to model some strength and true Evil-Genius qualities into him.

“Freak is a word that people use when they think you are different to them. Most of the time it’s because they don’t know why you’re different. And as much as they can hear the ‘common’ voices say that you are different, they also tend to think your difference is kind of cool. Maybe even similar to them. Or something they want to be.”

It’s awe-inspiring, watching your spawn process this information. Seeing the understanding dawn his eyes. And then the evil grin start to spread over his face.

“So. What you’re saying is that the people who say freak. They’re just hiding from the fact that I’ve done something better than them.”

“Yes. In most cases, that’s probably it.”

“Awesome.”

And then the grin…

“Hey mum – How’s the water?”

Little shit. I’m freezing. But still proud.

I want a Femtosecond Camera

I want a Femtosecond Camera.

Remember the periscopes you used to make as a child?

Basic sketch of periscopes from a long-ago childhood.

Long, cardboard box (or pvc, if your dad was a plumber), couple of mum’s compact mirrors (or dad’s, if he was a musician), and suddenly you have the ability to peer around corners on unsuspecting citizens. Brilliant.

But MIT has taken it further – much further. And I want one.

The Femtosecond Camera is awesome. It captures light bouncing around the corner. That’s right – it can take photos AROUND CORNERS!!

(Short version here: http://news.cnet.com/2300-11386_3-10011717.html)

(Geek’s curiousity here: http://web.media.mit.edu/~raskar/cornar/)

Now, I originally thought “Camera requires light, dudes”. But this is quite ingenious. The camera fires a laser at a surface, to ‘ping’ your victim target. Then the geek minions take over with the calculations of light, distance, colour, contrast, etc. All done immediately. And I want one.

Think of the evil potential in this! <*insert evil laugh here*> I can finally learn how Evil Genius Dad is making my skirt smell like bacon (read: World-wide bacon shortage now explained). And don’t even get me started on Sinister’s current fascination with LEGO trebuchets.

Oh yeah – MIT says they intend for it to be used in Search and Rescue, and something like that. Not when my NEW FEMTOSECOND CAMERA arrives…

Photo of Set-up (labeled), provided by MIT
http://web.mit.edu/~velten/www/corner/

Evil Genius Parent Award #2

In our second week of the Evil Genius Parent Awards, I am proud to see so many minions striving to emanate true evil genius parenting.

With a range of examples – from restaurant playgrounds,  to convincing your child to wear pants, the winner is truly inspirational. The idea is simple, entertaining, and best of all – humiliating. And although not his idea directly, the idea of him following this with his own children is enough.

Congratulations to 3AM DAD!!

“Starting to think about Halloween. Great idea.” – https://www.facebook.com/3AMDad

 

With Halloween just over a month away, I’m curious to see if anyone can beat this. Bring it.

Training a Hacker…

Every time a school tries blocking Facebook, a fairy loses its wings. And then falls to the Earth as a troll. Or a hacker. It’s pretty much a 50-50. Either way, my recruitment efforts just halved. With these policies in place, there are now two types of students: Those who only navigate with their teachers consent; and those who learn more. I like to call them mere minions and interns.

Why do I love this so much? Think about who is setting up the security – school administration. How many IT specialists are going to work in schools, managing the filters? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sure, the admin staff has a fighting chance during the early years of primary, but wait for the hormones to kick in. I can not imagine our public schools being able to afford an IT specialist who can get between a pubescent boy and the temptation of FREE PORN!!

We already have this discussion in our lair – social media, not porn. Not yet. Anyway, Sinister and Nefarious regularly ask me what I am doing; I answer “The same thing I am doing every night, sweetheart. Taking over the World – and updating my Facebook status.” At 6 years of age, Sinister already understands how I share things on Facebook and steal information from others. 3yo Nefarious even dares to ask for a 2nd opinion from Google if my answer seems questionable.

The beauty of this ‘policy’ is that it will feed the exact same beast that the school admins are trying to capture. Tell the kids “You are not allowed to access Facebook/Google/YouTube” and sure, you’ll have some kids saying okay. But then you’ll have a couple of kids, even in Grade 1 or 2, who say “Really? But I do it at home…” Then there are the kids with older siblings who have already hacked the firewalls at home, and have no problem sharing some tips with younger kids.

Next thing you know, Grade 1 Science is now learning the difference between spider pedipalps and human fingers (true story – Google it).

Despite these ‘educational purposes’, some teachers are complaining about Facebook being too distracting for kids during class time. Fair point. I really don’t want teachers being responsible for my kids “digital citizenship”. Teachers have an obligation to teach ethics (or circumvention of same) and stuff. Certain restrictions that will limit their creativity to extend beyond the limits of the internet. That’s the only way the Internet will continue to grow – through the imagination of kids. Particularly the imagination of kids tempted to break through the paper-thin walls schools try to set up.

The down side to this is that you increase the number of numpties being “introduced” to the internet in Grade 11 or 12 – by which time, they are noobs to be fed to the trolls, or trolls to be fed to the administrators. *sigh* As frustrating as this will be, at least it will give my kids someone to practice on before I hand over the reins.

So thank-you, schools. You are making it easier to distinguish the interns from the mere minions. Those who are inspired to Take Over the World; and those who will bring me my next cup of tea.

Inaugural Evil Genius Parent Award

It is important… Nay, essential… for parents to be one step ahead of their children. That is even more apparent in the work of an Evil Genius.

To encourage you all to reach your Evil Genius Potential, I have decided to acknowledge the great efforts of my servants with the

EVIL PARENT AWARDS

Once a week, on the most evil day of all (yes, that would be MONDAY), I will share with you a story of pure evil genius from another parent – reminding us all how to stay at least one step ahead of our kids – at least until they are ready to be handed their crowns.

But first, just before I was preparing for this announcement, I had planned on the following tweet being this week’s winner – but he was pipped at the post by a Facebook Status Update. Nevertheless, for an honourable mention:

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! Extra points would have been gained trying this with mashed peas – let us know how it goes (SA readers not included – they eat pie floaters on a regular basis, thus cancelling out the evilness of this).

But this week’s winner is: NAOMI Z!!

“funniest thing today – watching W (3yo) try to lick cupcake batter off his elbow :P”

Unsure about the level of evilness with this – try licking your own elbow. Now picture a sweet, innocent-looking mum watching on as her young 3yo son sincerely tries this task.

Congratulations Naomi and Mad Dog McGillicuddy for your contributions to Evil Genius Parenting! Share your evil genius with us and be recognised by the Evil Genius Community!

Nefarious is not just learning…

I love those moments when I am watching Nefarious in action, and those 30 seconds or so before the unsuspecting victim realises they have been duped… by a 3 year old. Brilliant. So proud.

So, we’re at Nefarious’ sporty activities (Sport is a great way to take over the world – seriously: fun; passion; outrageous mascots) and I am watching from the sidelines. Today’s sport is cricket. Essential sport, I say. Have you seen Shaun of the Dead?

Anyway, I digress. Nefarious is playing cricket – practicing his batting. Hitting a ball with a cricket bat, off a tee, across the room. According to the teacher, he is to hit 4 balls across the room, then wait until she tells them all to collect.

The girl next to Nefarious hits the ball across the room, and then DEMANDS the teacher collect it for her now. Nefarious watches this – observes how the teacher politely tells the young girl “No. You will collect them yourself. I will not do it for you.” And the young girl settles.

Nefarious decides otherwise. He hits his ball directly at the teacher. Perfect shot. And the teacher laughs, “Nice shot, kid. Now try aiming across the room” and gives the ball back to him.

Nefarious pauses… and then hits the ball AT the teacher again. Of course, more laughter and the teacher comments again “Not at me, silly!” before giving the ball back to him.

Nefarious pauses…

And then hits the ball AT the teacher AGAIN. Of course, more laughter ensues… and then the teacher goes quiet, as she stops to think – No, he isn’t doing it on purpose… is he?

So she holds the ball, and tells Nefarious to try again.

Nefarious pauses…

And then turns, to aim at the OTHER teacher across the room… And hits the next ball at THAT teacher! Of course, THAT teacher bends down, collects the ball and laughs at Nefarious – “hahaha – good shot kid. Now, let’s try across the hall.”

At which point, the first teacher cracks up laughing. She casually walks over to the 2nd teacher and starts to explain to him that she, too, was duped by a 3yo.

As both teachers turn to watch Nefarious carefully, Nefarious realises he has been made. He sighs with a certain level of resolution, and continues with his class.

I, in the meantime, am almost choking as I struggle to stifle my laugh. I’m just so proud – learning how to manipulate people to do your bidding, and they want to!!

*sniff* My boys are not just learning anymore. They are practicing.