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Evil Genius Tool #5 – Umbrellas


The Final Frontier.

Or at least at schools on rainy days.

Sinister’s school attempts to discourage the use of umbrellas on rainy days. I simply do not understand why.

They are the most useful arsenal you could have in the vicious world of school yards.

Bang umbrella

Kids particularly love the push-button ones – you know, where you push the button and the mini umbrella suddenly extends out like a cartoon punching-glove! Great for attacks on friends whilst allowing you to maintain arm distance.

Once the umbrella is open, they become an excellent sling-shot for muddy water. Turn upside down and scoop muddy water out of the closest puddle and sling it at your intended target. You have about a 50/50 chance of hitting them and staying dry yourself – more likely only one of these will happen. But kids don’t care – it’s fun either way!!

Then there is the defensive feature of an umbrella. When used for its intended purpose, an umbrella held over the head is the perfect height for hitting unsuspecting adults in the back – often somewhere around the shoulder-blades. 

Rainy Day 01

Yeah! Puddle-kids 1;    Dry adults 0

Speaking of which, I find adults are the more likely culprits of this usage – holding their umbrellas up high  and then using them “innocently” to hit the heads of any other adults passing back. Adults also tend to forget the small children usually found at schools, particularly when they drop their umbrellas abruptly and knock the heads of the young spawnlings. In this case, I normally encourage said spawnlings (mine or others) to jump in the nearest puddle and return the favour.

Of course, this leads to the final benefit of umbrellas – entertainment value. The easiest laugh is gained watching some clueless minion attempting to use an umbrella on a rainy/ windy day. The most hapless minions are the best – they will continue to fight with the umbrella, adamant that they will never to submit to an inanimate item like the simple umbrella.

The more serious level of entertainment comes from a few well placed trees and branches on rainy days. Watching a full grown adult minion wrestle against the umbrella that they have walked into a low-lying branch. It’s almost as good as the “Spider-web Dance”.

With all this entertainment and basic skills in armed warfare, I wonder why schools want to discourage the use of umbrellas. It’s seems like such a missed opportunity for the school.

And by the sight of umbrellas and clueless minions in our area, I’m not the only parent who questions.

Categories: Evil Genius Tools

Evil Genius Mum

Evil Genius Mum
- Taking over the world, one blog post at a time

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