I swear – they were looking at me, like my kids were those kids. The kids at the park, trashing the place with over-the-top sugar-laced-with-red-colouring behaviour. Seriously – if you think my kids are those kids, then you have no idea what those kids are like. I so want to watch you in the first year of school with your precious princess. They’ll be bringing my kids safety money, to protect them from the actual bullies.

Let me start at the beginning: Beautiful day. So I take Sinister and Nefarious to a park to burn off the extra energy in the afternoon. Otherwise, we will hit 5pm and our place becomes Thunderdome: Four Evil Genius* enter. One leaves. And doesn’t clean up after herself.

The park today has one of the spinning tea-cups that are so controversial in modern society. Here’s what they look like:

Those of you yet to spawn your own kids may remember these in a more full-blown version: Roofed over with doorways. Crafted in such a way that the g-forces would force your brains into the back of your skull, taking even greater effort to ensure you directed your vomit OUT of the vehicle. An important skill, because even if you DID hit your friend with the vomit, it would still be whipped around inside to splash in your face as well. Pure Genius.

These days, they are ‘more open’. Allowing a bit more fresh air to help quell the up-chuck. But they still entice the same level of enthusiasm from kids: Who can make it go fast enough to throw up.

And my kids did. *sniff* Atta’  boys.

In all honesty, I told the other parents that my kids would go fast. NASA-Astronaut testing fast, if they could.

“Oh no. It’s okay. She’ll be fine. She can handle these things. She is used to playing with the older kids.”

Fair enough, she did last two rounds (counted as spinning super fast, and then allowing it to slow down naturally before speeding it up again). And then the poor kid started to look green. And then the crying started.

Playground etiquette: If a kid cries, every parent will look over for one of two reasons. Either to check if it was their child crying. Or to check that it wasn’t their child causing the crying.

At this point, every parent is staring in our direction, watching this poor 5yo girl stumble back across the playground and then hurl her guts up. And while this is happening, listening to my boys go “Wow! That was super fast!! Mum – was that super fast?!? Can we go again? Should we wait for her to finish? Is she okay?”

Please note: My kids DID stop to ask if she was okay. And to confer with playground etiquette, I also stopped to ask the dad if she was okay. Which he responded with “She’ll be okay” . I made sure he was at least heading in the direction of the gate before yelling back to my kids “That was AWESOME!! She’s going home, but you guys can go again!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a few parents suddenly hover over their kids. And I laughed – out loud.

Kids need to test their limits (and ours). If they don’t regularly test their limits, how will they know what they are capable of, and more importantly – whether they can beat their previous high score. Seriously – I am starting to get a good laugh watching parents stressing about whether their kids are reading the 100 Magic Words before starting school, or counting to 99, or knowing the chemical compound of soap. Great; Happy for you; Be proud (especially about the soap – that’s important for kids. Clean and tasty… from what I hear).

But true leaders need resilience, confidence, and a sense of humour. And if you keep hovering over your kids, removing the fun playground equipment, and keeping them locked away at home, then I can guarantee you one thing: Your kid is next year’s Top Minion.

I’m kidding, I’m kidding. There’s no such thing as a Top Minion. They’re all minions and they all serve me Evil Genius Inc.

So, we have now decided to rename the Spinning Teacup in honour of this event. Henceforth, they will be known as Minion Terminator! If you can survive with my kids in a Minion Terminator, then you may stop shoveling shit and progress to the next level of minion testing. Otherwise, mop your vomit over to the pile of shit and get back to work.

Tomorrow, Sinister and Nefarious have asked for a park with a Minion Launcher – otherwise known as a see-saw.

Anyone for a playdate?

*Footnote: There is some disagreement over the proper plural for the noun genius. The official, English Literature approved is genii (ge-ni-eye), because genius is derived from Latin.

However, the colloquial term is also accepted – being geniuses. This is most applicable if referring to the quality of genius rather than the individual genius.

The third accepted term is to refer to the genius as a ‘collective genius’.

As Evil Genius Mum, I have opted to the melodic sound of the collective genius. And since it is my blog, my rules. So when you have your own collective genius, then we’ll talk. And you’ll still be wrong. Because mine sounds better.   

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Evil Genius Mum

Evil Genius Mum
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