And The House of Pun

My grandmother is always telling me:

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”

Yeaaaaahhhhhh… that doesn’t fit our household.

We pretty much live in a cyclone of sarcasm, dry wit, and punishing puns. 

Seriously. We have pun wars. At the dinner table. Regularly. Sometimes they are really really bad. And those are often the best ones. 

It’s like a garden of puns. And none of us can leave it alone. 

… hehehe …

There are rules: 

  • Nothing personal, especially no name calling;
  • Must be contextual, stick with the theme of what’s happening right now;
  • Must be with good intent, encouraging others to join in. Nobody wants to excluded or ostracised.

It’s all fun and games until the spawnlings throw it back at me.
Tonight I had to go and remind the two older spawnlings to quiet it down. Zaltu was already asleep and I said “I swear… if you wake her … I’ll … make your holidays …”

Yeah. Lame. And it really sucks because I know that they know I’m pathetic at empty threats. Especially since they replied, with pitch-perfect sarcasm:

“And remind us again, exactly what that would involve? Like, step by step details…”

Damn. Them. 

They kept to the rules. And they called my bluff. I don’t usually bluff. I suck at lying so if I say something, you know it’s going to happen.

There is nothing as frustrating as the anger at your spawnlings throwing your own words back at you… and the pride of them doing it in the best way possible.

Go on. Share stories of your kids using your own words against you. We’re all friends here. I won’t tell…

How to Survive a Heatwave with Your Kids

It’s a little hot in the EG Lair today.

In this type of weather, no-one is a happy camper.

We don’t have aircon, and we’re OK with that. It used to be only a few days each Summer that actually required serious cooling down, and on those days we would drive to the closest shopping centre. 

But the hot days are increasing in numbers and intensity. To put it simply, we are having heatwaves. And more of them.

Want proof? Sydney has just broken a 125-year-old record of the most days in Summer breaking 35C (about 95F?).

I’m not a Summer kind of gal. The spawnlings handle it far better than I do, but even they are having trouble sleeping and keeping calm in the sibling battles.

So here are my Top Five Tips For Surviving A Heatwave:

  1. Get thee to a shopping centre–or swimming pool, local library, or the like. Something indoors. Outside options, including the beach, still come with a high risk of heat exhaustion. Movies are good, so are cafes and food courts. Seriously.
  2. Freeze your Fabrics–EG Grandma always puts damp washers in the freezer and they are perfect for calming the odd overheated moment (or seven). Then I moved to Central Queensland and learnt about putting your underwear in the freezer. GENIUS!! It doesn’t last long, but that immediate relief is worth it. Plus the spawnlings love the idea of undies in the freezer!
  3. Ice-creams in your bottle-shop–for those not from Aust, our “liquor stores” are known as bottle-o’s with GIANT fridge sections to keep the beer cold. Often they are located right next door to the corner shop or convenience store. Buy your ice-cream at the shop, walk next door and “peruse” the beers until your ice-cream is finished. You may want to consider buying one for the bottle-o attendant. Just in case they aren’t initially sympathetic. 
  4. Re-appropriate a kiddies pool–you know you’re just a big kid anyway. Fill the kiddies pool with water and a few dozen ice-cubes and chill out. If you place it right, you can even set it up near the TV, with ice cold drinks around you.
  5. Frozen rice–this one is for bed time. You know that wheat pack you have, for all those aches and pains? This works in the same way. Put a cup of rice in a clean sock, tie it off, and throw in the freezer. After at least an hour, you can put in bed to cool the sheets for an easier sleep. Rice won’t melt and make a mess, but does retain cold very well (thanks to Sharlene Hensler for reminding me about this one. Good minion)

Hopefully the heatwave in Aust won’t go too much longer, but each year just keeps hitting more and more extremes. That’s why it is so important we keep our cool while we convince the rest of the world to come to the climate change party.

Stay cool minions. 

FCBD 2014 & EGP Award #46

Free Comic Book Day has come and gone, leaving naught by silent reading in its wake.

If ever there was a time to conquer the geeks of the world, it would be the first Saturday of May.

And let’s face it – is there really anyone else in the world worth conquering?


This annual event is promoted as an opportunity to encourage reading in children, when really it is an opportunity to recruit the oncoming storm of GEEKS!!

Basically a bunch of comic publishing groups band together and print off a selection of comics specifically for the day. Local comic-book stores purchase these (yes, they actually pay a nominal fee for printing and delivery costs), and then publicise the be-jeebus out if the event.

These comics are then offered FOR FREE (in most places), with in-stores sales used to support the local business.

For me, the highlight is the cosplay by participants and general public. Why?

Because it gives you an excellent idea of the competition – who is parenting right.

Once again, Evil Genius Inc attended in various outfits. Sinister chose Pikachu – the Pokemon that refuses to be put in a Poke Ball. Talk about attitude.

Then we had Nefarious as 1960s Batman – whose secret weapon is no-one taking him seriously until he kicks you in the junk (just ask the Joker at Kings Comics).

And there is Wonder Woman, who roped her Invisible Jet into carrying her around all day. Nice work, Zaltu.

However, there is one standout of parenting from FCBD:

This is awesome!! Not only does the dad go as a sentinel, but he even sets the kids up for a fastball special.

So, to @michaelare23, you are awarded this weeks Evil Genius Parent Award.

Round 2: EG Mum v. EG Grandma

We already know how evil grandma can be.


This is just the beginning.

EG Inc has travelled 2500km into the pits of Hades (read: Nth Qld in Summer) to visit family/demons.

It’s bad enough that the heat is more repressive than a cooked laboratory, but now EG Grandma is taking advantage of my weakened state. The spawnlings actually LIKE her!! Where’s the Fear of Mum from my childhood?!? Why is Zaltu allowed to chew on a purse that I could never borrow?!? When did chocolate become a breakfast food?!?

At first, I thought it was merely general spoiling since we do live interstate and hardly visit for long periods of time. However, spoiling would be dessert with extra scoopings. And I don’t mind racing my parents to the register to pay for something. It’s the only exercise we have at the moment.

However, we are now moving into outright Declaration of War.

It started with some story-telling. Tales of when I was a kid, climbing mulberry trees and shopping trolley races in car parks. Stories that will make it hard to enforce discipline when they hit their teens.

Then it progressed to stories of my suspension from preschool and my attempt at blowing up the Home Economics block (microwaves are science experiments waiting to happen).

But the piece that has absolutely ruined my relationship with the spawnlings:

“You kids are pretty lucky. I have loved having you visit, so I can spoil you and fill you up with treats – and hand you back. But your parents are pretty darn good. Your mum brought you all this way, has shared so much with you and is sitting back, just letting us spend time together. That’s pretty good. She pretends to be tough, but I reckon she’s enjoying this trip as much as you are.”

Damn it. Ruined my EG cred right there.

Going to take me all of next school term to convince them again how hard-core I can be.

How the hell do I EG parent now?