Never Wake a Sleeping Dragon

Order! All rise!

Parenting Court is now in session!! Presiding Judge is Her Honour, Judge Judgey McJudge (of the renowned Bee-yatch clan).

You may now be seated.

I am typing this from the front seat of my Harley Quinn truck family car.

5 mins before arriving at the shopping centre, this happened:
20140731-193016-70216233.jpg

And since Zaltu is teething, walking, talking, climbing, and reverse engineering the polarity flow of her own TARDIS, we don’t have enough of THIS. So I made myself comfy with my smartphone, bottle of water and chocolate bar – and let her sleep.

I thought this was the logical and responsible thing to do.

Apparently not.

After 10 minutes, I was approached by a lady in her 50s, asking if we were okay. I explained the sleep-situation. At this point the woman suggested I duck in, and leave my sleeping baby in the car – “she won’t even notice, if you are quick.

WTF?!!

I very politely said no thankyou as I wouldn’t consider that safe (let alone legal).

So she said: “Well, I could look after her while you duck in.”

20140731-200519-72319470.jpg

Again, I very politely thanked her for her good intentions but said I prefer not to leave my spawnlings with random strangers found in carparks (okay, even more polite than that). I was quite happy sitting undercover on a cool winter day, waiting with my sleeping babe. I was in no rush to wake her.

Apparently this is crazy because Mother Teresa walked away muttering about me.

Fairy nuff. Random occurrence. Might tweet about it.

BUT THEN

10 minutes later, I kid you not – elderly gentlemen approaches me and we have the exact same conversation.

And once again, it ends with him muttering about my crazy.

And guess what happens 15 minutes after that?

You bet your local children affairs office! I’m approached again – by a mum with 2 kids.

Who tells me she has left her kids in the car at times to do the shopping.

Whoa-ho-ho. Just back that truck up for a minute. Now, Judgey McJudge comes out to play. And all the stupid runs away.

I don’t know how much you’ve been following in the news (besides Gaza, Ukraine, MH17, and Ebola), but there have been quite a few cases of children left in cars, both intentionally and accidentally.

Some kids have died. Some have been saved by a passing stranger. None have died with Mum FB’ing in the front seat.
And the stats are yet to return on how many were from “good intention” advice from well-meaning carpark freaks passerbys.

Screw the freaks. If you want your spawnlings to take over the world DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE IN THE CAR. Wake them or stay with them. But do not leave them. Just think of all the hardwork you have invested in them already.

You know my choice.

20140731-200120-72080982.jpg

Tour de Blogs – from WAY behind the pack

Have you caught up with today yet? I’m still struggling back a couple of weeks. You know – when the school holidays began.

I had dreams. I had plans:

This was the plan. Proud to say, at least 50% completed.

Of course, I had other tasks on my to-do list. One of which was set-up by my evil blogging mentor: Bruce at Big Family Little Income.

Damn you Bruce. Giving me extra work. Don’t you know it takes away from my world domination plans? Just like cleaning up baby vomit and removing LEGO pieces from my delicate feet?!?

Needless to say – I failed. Miserably. Well, of course you know I am YET to take over the world. But I failed in the Blog Tour as well. And the LEGO removal from my feet. But that is another story too many EG Parents will sympathise with.

See, this Blog tour – the Karmen Lizzul Blog Tour – was supposed to be my motivation for blogging again. Oh, I love to blog. I love to share with you all my dastardly plans to geekify you all in to my minions. And then watch the inevitable tsunami of evil genius as you attempt the same on your own army of spawnlings.

But the problem with being an Evil Genius Parent is that you still have to do the … parent part. And my spawnlings are so much fun, that I often need reminding to blog about it – at some other time than 2am breast-feeding time.

BUT I AM BACK!! And I promised Bruce I would DO THIS!! So, if only to stop this particularly minion from upstaging me with his inherently cooler parenting skills, evident by the survival of at least TWICE as many spawnlings as myself (though part to do with the awesomeness of his wife…) here is my contribution to the Karmen Lizzul Blog Tour.

My answers to four simple questions:

  1. What are you working on?
  2.  How does your work differ from others?
  3. Why do you write what you do?
  4. How does my writing process work?

And the winners are:

  1. If I tell you I would have to kill you. And I’m too tired to clean up the mess.
  2. I can’t tell you that.
  3. If I tell you, they will kill you.
  4. If I talk about it, it breaks.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh fine. Here are the real answers:

1. What are you working on?

TAKING OVER THE WORLD, ONE BLOG POST AT A TIME!!

And when I need a break from that I am working on a two books, purely for private use. One is the a collection of comparative religions for Nefarious (5yo) to use during his Non-Scripture time. If my time in Alternative Dispute Resolution taught me anything (besides the various uses for eggs), it is that faith really does screw things up – quite royally. So if I can teach my kids the underlying flaws in EVERY religion, then they already have the upper hand. 😀 You can see an example here.

My 2nd book is a collection of science experiments for the spawnlings. We were doing Forensic Fridays … and then a new baby became the spanner in the works. But we’re getting back into it. And I plan to share some more very soon. Mostly how to not blow up your kitchen. And 30 ways to re-renovate your bathroom (hint: insurance).

2. How does my work differ from others of its genre?

Really? There’s a genre? What the hell am I then? Parenting / Comedic relief / science / geek / social commentary / cooking / whatever the hell that was.

Seriously, the best minion answer wins a prize – albeit a small prize (can’t excite the minions). Judged by how accurate EG Grandma thinks you are.

3. Why do I write what I do?

Why the hell not? There are so many ways to take over this world – but the most obvious is with the kids. And why shouldn’t I have some fun on the way? So many parents out there think their fun ends with the two lines on the pee stick.

Oh no, we can’t travel anymore. Oh no, we can’t play computer games anymore. Oh no, those things are now real toys and not collectible figurines (newsflash twat: they were ALWAYS toys. You now have someone to play WITH!!).

Surely my blog can only encourage parents to regain some of their responsibility in educating the next generation. I only want to make it a better place – in my image of course.

4. How does your writing process work?

The hardest part of my writing process is making the time.

No, let’s be dead serious here – I am NOT blogging for an income. I am NOT blogging for fame and fortune. I am NOT blogging for sponsorship or advertisements or any other bullshit that can be used as a motivator. I am NOT even blogging because I want to be a writer. Hells to the no. I’ve seen the salary most of them are living off.

So my writing process is definitely more of a “Do I have time?” approach. And a bit of “let’s see if I can actually follow through with a creative idea sometime in my life”. You see – my role in EG Inc is creative director… while poor EG Dad is usually the schmuck who finishes the project off for me. But I came up with this blog idea as a way to write my creative ideas down – and possibly in a manner that will force me to follow through. So really, a lot of my writing process is guilt.

I am often reminded by my friends that I have an excuse – I have a baby (plus 2 more spawnlings). Honestly – I am sick of that excuse. And I am slowly moving away from that. So over the next 6mths you will start to see a change in my writing process. A bit more visionary, a bit more creative, and a bit more interactive.

 

SO who inspires me to write each time? These guys:

Bruce at Big Family Little Income. Seriously, this guy is the kahuna. He is hilarious; He is supported by family; He is clear and succinct in his writing. And he is going to take over the world purely through reproducing his own army of spawnlings.

Raising Geeklings: Now this isn’t TECHNICALLY a blog. It’s a Facebook page. But it is worth its weight in gold for the insights they share. They truly understand the fun in parenting.

Now here is a 2-4-1 – LUV Comics and Girl Reporter. My man Dan is the artist over at LUV Comics – I’ve known him since uni days and he is definitely EG material. He was even a teacher once (just adds to the genius he comes up with!). He has teamed up with Sally, who has her own blog of writing brilliance. She is actually a writer – like reporter, journalist, review, paid for this shit type of thing. And I like her style. In fact, Sally kind of motivates me to improve my writing. But not tonight.

Definitely should mention Free Range in Suburbia and Shae. On paper, you might mistaken her for my arch-nemesis: She’s organised enough to homeschool and live a clean and free range life. But these are the most awesome things about her! Shae is creative and devious and often down-right funny. If you really want to see some crazy ideas, check her out.

And then there is GeekMom, with my fave contributor being Corrina Lawson. Can’t really explain this – just go and check it out.

 

Now can I go back to world domination?

 

So really – what do you think my genre is? Best answer wins a prize!! Something out of my geeky-goody bag. Hmmm. Ooooh, some geeky pins from the GamesMasters exhibit at PowerHouse Museum. Yep – sounds good. You have until 23 July 2014.