Asthma is Evil

By Evil Genius Mum on September 28, 2013 • ( Leave a comment )

Good grief! EG Mum is going all ‘health lecture’ on us?

Just shut up and enjoy your soundless breathing, minion. You have no idea how good you have it.

Anyone with asthma or allergies will tell you how much of a bitch it can be during the ‘change of seasons’.

Your eyes water; the back of your mouth itches; sneezing 7 times does NOT bring on an orgasm; and there is a new incessant need to stick a towel through one ear to the other and rub it through your skull to remove the itchiness. Oh yeah, and the wheezing coughing breathlessness of asthma to indicate to your spawnlings “mum is weak – attack!!”

My asthma is moderate. I control this demon. Most days.

The days without smoke and pollen in the air.

Days completely unlike the day we brought Zaltu (Spawnling #3) home from the hospital.

I was good. She was good. Sinister and Nefarious had yet to break EG Dad so it was time to go home.

Except I step out, straight into a thick layer of smoke over the city from nearby bush fires, along with fresh pollen release and a lovely dry hot day.

5weeks later and my lungs are still recovering.

Normally this would be a mild irritant for me (*boom tish!*) but straight after giving birth… Not only are my pelvic floor muscles getting a work out, but it would appear I have a minor tear in my stomach.

So I started wondering what “alternative measures” could be used to heal my belly. I’m not severe enough to warrant any good drugs but I can only allow my spawnlings free rein for so long…

I found this charming list of ideas from the dark ages here – ideas like drilling a hole in my skull or relocating my jaw. Lovely. As excited as the boys are to test these theories as part of historic Forensic Friday, I can see a direct negative impact on my ability to take over the world. So that would be a no.

Of course, I could stay inside while the air pollution remains high, but I kind of like Summer – with the endless opportunities to steal ice creams from children and burn your butt on car seats.

Or I could walk around, looking for my mummy. Just in time for Halloween.

Maybe this Asthma ain’t so bad after all.