I Want … A Kid-Size Ecto 1

Harold Ramis has died, and I suddenly have craving for Ghostbusters.

Fortunately, we have it on DVD – as any good family should. Methinks movie night this Saturday.

But a movie night for the spawnlings doesn’t seem to be enough to honour the comedic genius of Mr Ramis.

What other options are available? Teach the spawnlings parade call “Boom Chuga Luga Luga”? Rename Zaltu to “Zuul”? Or perhaps simply teach them how to play golf?

Instead, I found THIS</

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It seems fitting to see the “reconditioned hearse” transformed for the next generation.

I want. I very much want.

Evil Genius Parent Award #44

Going a bit ‘old school’ today and pulling this belated award from a parent I corrupted at school drop-off last week. Welcome to our fold, Sandra. Though, the following example of your work is more than fine start.

Almost every spawnling will forget something in the school bag at some stage during the year. Depending on where your Spawnling sits on the independence spectrum, you could take the item up to school during the day or deliver a healthy dose of “Suck it, princess”.

Sandra preferred to see the opportunity to show her kids who’s da boss.

After school had settled in, Sandra snuck into the bag area and placed the offending drink bottle in her son’s bag.

Nutty Professor

While her younger kindy son was convinced it was magic (and Sandra is now “The Most Powerful Wizard of All), the forgetful older year-2 son was not so convinced.

“Mum, I know it was you. But I didn’t see you. No-one did. How did you do it?”

And so came about the elaborate story of a chemical mishap spilling on to dear mum, giving her the ability to turn invisible.

Of course, Sandra expected her son to call BS. Instead there was quiet acceptance and no further discussion.

A week later, Sandra was approached by the year 2 teacher. Apparently, there was a HUGE improvement in his behaviour at school – attentive, engaged, and helping others. He was also showing more interest in the curriculum, asking when they would be moving on to Chemistry.

What makes this even better is that Sandra’s son shared the story with his classmates and they were now asking if they could set-up a science club during lunch breaks.

Normally, the teacher would not encourage ‘elaboration’ (read: LYING) to students, but in this case… Could Sandra please provide some “chemical research” to keep the kids going?explosion

Well done Sandra! You’ve taken parenting to the next level.

Zaltu the Phlegm-Bot

Never give up.

Never surrender!!

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Not even if your counterpart has taken off overseas for two weeks. That should merely toughen your resolve against the onslaught of spawnlings.

Not even if your physical presence weakens with fatigue and wear-and-tear. Oh no – use this as an opportunity to ‘encourage’ your delegation of tasks around the lair.

And especially, especially not when the spawnlings send in the secret weapon: the Phlegm-Bot.

They will attempt to soften you with the poor, sick, widdle baby – awwww!

SNAP OUT OF IT!!

The baby is just cuddling you to share the germs. Listen to that cackle – it sounds like a tommy-gun for a reason!!

And be aware: Phlegm-Bot will share the germs, creating more Phlegmbies out of the remaining family members. This in turn creates greater work duties, raising the whine factor to painful.

Stand your ground! Wash those hands! Play those DVDs!! And most of all drink your tea to establish a defence boundary.

Then hope for the best. Because there is no remedy for the smile under that snotty nose, beaming when you give the mum-hug that makes it all better.

Damn it! *sniff* Double damn it!!

Evil Genius Parent Award #43

Let’s stop for a moment and think about the power of the subconscious.

One of the strongest ways to manipulate this is through song.

Now, imagine you have an evil genius pair of mums with creative wit – and they are using the magic of music to flash your breasts.

Fox and Lark, the duo known as Sparrow-Folk have given us the crazily catchy song “Ruin Your Day With Tits”.

Encouraging mothers to embrace their new image: check.

Giving our male counterparts a fun way to “support” our tits: double check.

Encouraging children to see breastfeeding in public as normal through catchy tune: check. And genius.

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Dang nab it – they’ve gone viral. Still worth checking out.

One Valentine at a Time

If I see one more rose chocolate or pink sugar candy, I’m going to hit somebody with the closest book to hand. And I know many would love to see that.

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However, saying that – Valentine’s Day is another example of evil genius.

Mix together the power of loneliness, the guilt of comparative romanticism, and the susceptibility to marketing madness, and you end up with a diabetic coma that protects you from the credit card shock you will receive next month – on top of the fact you still didn’t get laid because the baby-sitter charges extra for ignoring the bouncing car in the driveway.

Now is the perfect time to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! One pathetic, lonely heart Valentine at a time!

And I found just the way to do it: International Book Giving Day.

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While millions of minions drown their Valentine sorrows following their inevitable failure to obtain Hallmark Happiness, I will be giving books around the world to those easily malleable to my evil ways. Books like this beauty:

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The concept is easy to follow: give the gift of literacy to family, friends, schools, or area in need. But while they read, I will easily convince them they can achieve so much more – if only they use their power for evil, rather than good. Feed their dark thoughts on this coveted day, and convince them to bring others down into the anti-Valentine’s by giving a book.

And then soon minions all over the world will be too busy being evil to bother with companionship!! Mwahahaha!

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So, what do you have planned for February 14?

The Smell of Fear

The spawnlings have been genetically enhanced. They can smell weakness at 50 paces.

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However, if they think a damaged knee is weakness, then they need further education.

Many moons ago, EG Grandma broke her leg in 3 places, all around the ankle. She was in a cast for about 2 months or so, from toe to just below the hip. Only able to move with the aid of crutches.

And stuck with 4 kids alone on an army base. 15, 11, 3, and baby.

Of course, we thought we could smell weakness.

The eldest made the first move. She thought EG Grandma could not stop her walking out to meet friends.

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Just as Big Sis approached the front door, EG Grandma skimmed one of her crutches across the floor and ankle-tapped her.

When I replay that image in my mind, I hear the “thwok thwok” sound. That day I learnt never to underestimate the genius of my mother. And I knew exactly what kind of parent I would one day be.

By the way, the 3 yo and I knew how to outsmart EG Grandma. Wait until she’s feeding the baby, then the 3yo crawls in to steal the crutches. Once he delivered them to me, I hid them on top of the fridge – just high enough for her to see but unable to reach.

So if my spawnlings think they can take me on…

Wait.

Where’s my crutch?