The Ideal Evil Genius Pet

Do you have a pet? A fluffy puppy? An evil cat?

At Evil Genius Inc, we have three. Yes – 3.

And today, I really REALLY regret each of them.

You see, we have dragons.

Yes – Dragons.

Oh, alright – if you want to spoil the magic. They are Central Bearded Dragons, native to Australia. More particularly, native to Central Australia.

Dragon

They really are the perfect pet for Evil Genius and Spawnling. They don’t do much, are pretty hardy and low maintenance, have plenty of personality, and can be trained (to a point).

You do need a licence for them (step up, EG Dad) but officially Sinister has two and Nefarious has one.

Except for the maintenance. Then they ‘technically’ become mine.

And there in lies the issue.

The primary source of diet for a Dragon (or Beardie) is a mixture of greens (salad vegies) and… cockroaches.

Not just any cockroaches – bush cockroaches. Also known as ‘woodies’.

And … we breed them too. In a big black garbage bin, with food and warmth in our laundry.

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The Black Bin Breeding the ‘Roaches

Let me just clarify something here – I hate cockroaches. I can handle snakes, lizards, spiders, wild dogs, you name it. But cockroaches just gross me out.

So now let me paint you a picture of my day.

See this lovely black bin? It is secured with a self-locking lid. Very smart. Very well designed. It has a hole cut in the top for ventilation with mesh glued over to stop the crawlies from crawling out. Brilliant.

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Feeding box

Now, take a look at the next set-up – the feeding box.

Seems sweet and innocent enough. Smaller plastic box with petroleum jelly to stop the crawlies crawling out. Put dragon in. Feeds. Take Dragon out.

Except in the colder months – where the Dragons don’t feed as much. So there are woodies left in the feeding box.

And lazy tired people forget to put the woodies back in the Breeding Bin.

And put the Feeding Box on top of the Breeding Bin. Resting against the dryer.

Which then shakes and dumps said Feeding Box – woodies, castings, and all – on the laundry floor.

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Yep. I now have at least 2 dozen woodies (NB. BUSH COCKROACHES) running around Evil Genius Inc.

And no-one to blame but myself. EG Dad has taken off interstate again. Spawnlings are too short to reach this level of stupidity the top of the Breeding Box.

Can I blame it on the parasitic relationship pregnancy? Probably, but even I believe that’s lame. Better chances blaming it on the explicit desire to handle the damn things as little as possible. Ironic, since I was chasing half the container around the laundry floor and catching them with my bare hands.

Oh yeah – probably should have put a disclaimer or something at the beginning: Don’t read this blog post if you don’t like reading about creepy-crawlies.

And yes – EG Dad is a well-trained husband who does read my blog posts. I’m just betting he will read this on the plane home tonight, giving him at least an hour from airport to home, to cool down and see the funny side of this.

Damn Dragons.

Baby dragons

Oh yeah – they’re cute now…

Evil Genius Parent Award #31

Sometimes life is just too well-timed for my liking.

Sitting back last week, and I find myself chortling along with EG Dad as he reads Big Family, Little Income. Apparently, there’s a bit of talk about the stereotyping of dads – particularly the portrayal of dads as dumb-arses.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve met a few of the said ‘dumb arse dads’. I’ve also met my fair share of ‘pretty smart dads when no-one is looking’. Which is why this particular line cracked me up:

Guys. Guys. Guys. If a wife is silly enough to really think her husband can’t change a nappy or make a bottle then this is his get out of jail free card. Don’t ruin it for everyone else by giving the game away. That’s selfish.

Considering some of the dumb arse things EG Dad has done in the past, my initial thought was “That EG Shit has been playing me along all this time”.

But then I realised – no he hasn’t. He still MUST and HAS contributed with each spawnling.

I had just clicked over to one of my new favourites: Suburban Snapshots. And all was right in the parenting world again.

Despite any attempt at one parent to ‘play dumb’ and escape housework contribution, I can guarantee you there is another EG Parent out there who will work another way around it.

As EG Grandma would say A LOT when I was a kid “there is more than one way to skin a cat’.

So, to encourage the ‘dads’ (and hey, let’s face it – it can swing either way, depending on who you are with, and how trick they can be) to break out of the ‘dumb arse’ trick, Snapshots has some tips of her own to ‘entice them’.

Enter the Reasons why good husbands deserve enthusiastic blowjobs.

Snapshots has outsmarted the ‘dumb arse dads’ and scored benefits for herself. Win-win in my book. And some pretty evil genius parenting as well.

So, dads. Any comment?

 

Evil Genius Tool #5 – Umbrellas

Umbrellas.

The Final Frontier.

Or at least at schools on rainy days.

Sinister’s school attempts to discourage the use of umbrellas on rainy days. I simply do not understand why.

They are the most useful arsenal you could have in the vicious world of school yards.

Bang umbrella

Kids particularly love the push-button ones – you know, where you push the button and the mini umbrella suddenly extends out like a cartoon punching-glove! Great for attacks on friends whilst allowing you to maintain arm distance.

Once the umbrella is open, they become an excellent sling-shot for muddy water. Turn upside down and scoop muddy water out of the closest puddle and sling it at your intended target. You have about a 50/50 chance of hitting them and staying dry yourself – more likely only one of these will happen. But kids don’t care – it’s fun either way!!

Then there is the defensive feature of an umbrella. When used for its intended purpose, an umbrella held over the head is the perfect height for hitting unsuspecting adults in the back – often somewhere around the shoulder-blades. 

Rainy Day 01

Yeah! Puddle-kids 1;    Dry adults 0

Speaking of which, I find adults are the more likely culprits of this usage – holding their umbrellas up high  and then using them “innocently” to hit the heads of any other adults passing back. Adults also tend to forget the small children usually found at schools, particularly when they drop their umbrellas abruptly and knock the heads of the young spawnlings. In this case, I normally encourage said spawnlings (mine or others) to jump in the nearest puddle and return the favour.

Of course, this leads to the final benefit of umbrellas – entertainment value. The easiest laugh is gained watching some clueless minion attempting to use an umbrella on a rainy/ windy day. The most hapless minions are the best – they will continue to fight with the umbrella, adamant that they will never to submit to an inanimate item like the simple umbrella.

The more serious level of entertainment comes from a few well placed trees and branches on rainy days. Watching a full grown adult minion wrestle against the umbrella that they have walked into a low-lying branch. It’s almost as good as the “Spider-web Dance”.

With all this entertainment and basic skills in armed warfare, I wonder why schools want to discourage the use of umbrellas. It’s seems like such a missed opportunity for the school.

And by the sight of umbrellas and clueless minions in our area, I’m not the only parent who questions.

Evil Genius Parent Award #30 – Eurovision

Here’s a little background on Evil Genius Mum: I come from a long line of musicians. Talented musicians. Very talented. 

My only saving grace: the ‘music genes’ are usually accompanied by the ‘maths genes’.

Nope I’m screwed on that front too.

But, it appears that Sinister and Nefarious have inherited the passion and talent for music. It’s really quite embarrassing. Yet at the same time – very cool.

Nevertheless,  there are a whole heap of pitfalls that come with trying to enter the music industry:

  • Long hours of practice required;
  • Trouble finding suitable housemates who can tolerate you waking up at 6am to practice (EG Opa, I’m looking at you);
  • Majority of decent paying gigs are during prime social hours on Thursday/Friday/Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons;
  • Risk of one day resorting to participation in reality shows like America’s Idling Talentless Voice.

However, this week’s Evil Genius Parent Award will go to executive producer of Eurovision 2013: Martin Österdahl.

Eurovision2013 

Now, to be fair, I don’t know if Martin is a parent or not, and I can almost bet that his entry this week is completely unintentional. But it is the most brilliant and genius method ever to completely turn your children off working in the music industry.

Just show them one year of Eurovision. 

If you have been following the tweet threads #eurovision or #sbseurovision, you will learn the main benefit of watching Eurovision is for the drinking games. For lyrics. For costumes. For sharing with friends.

And the laughs. 

Quite seriously, the laughs. Because no-one takes Eurovision seriously.

Remind your kids of that. No-one takes Eurovision seriously. And one day you might end up on there. With shower caps,

And if that doesn’t turn them to biochemistry or astrophysics, then I have no hope for you or your spawn.

Learn how to make viking helmets or shower caps.

Eurovision Thor 2013

Side note: If, however, you or your spawnlings score a job as the commentator for Eurovision AND are able to bring back the absolute hilarity of Terry Wogan, then you may be able to maintain enough dignity to show your face in public. 

When the teacher is ‘Wrong’ and the student is ‘Right’

Last week, I was asked to be an escort on Sinister’s school excursion to a Marine Education Centre.

After laughing long and hard about the idea of ME being a ‘responsible, supervising parent’ – I accepted. I can’t guarantee that I’ll ever be invited again.

Considering how it ended, that appears to be a fair assumption.

Be grateful this photo doesn't come with audio

Be grateful this photo doesn’t come with audio

Don’t get me wrong. The first half of the day was awesome and perfectly in the field of Sinister’s latest focus. His class was taken down to the rock pools to find crabs, star fish, and sea slugs.

Is it wrong that I laughed along with the boys whenever the girls squealed “Ohhhh, that’s so grosssssss!!”?

Damn princesses. World domination will be easy with this generation – just throw a sea slug at them and they’ll drop to their knees, begging you to save them.

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Anywho, morning = success

For the afternoon, they had to go through a little presentation about marine conservation. So this new ‘educator’ takes over and asks the class (7/8 yo) “What do we breathe?”

“Air” calls out one of the kids.

“That’s right! Now, what do fish breathe?”

“Air – they extrapolate it from the water” – yes, this was Sinister. Little scientist after my own heart.

After a brief pause, the ‘educator’ says “well, not really. They breathe water.”

WHAT?!?

Yes. I did speak up at that stage: “Uh, yes really. What he said is correct.”

At which point, Sinister has then pointed out that fish have gills. They suck in water, then ‘filter’ out the oxygen to breathe using their gills to push the water back out. They don’t breathe the water.

The ‘educator’ then says no, they breathe the water – then brushes him off and moves on.

I have spoken up to point out to her again that what he has said is correct and she has chosen to ignore this and continue on.

Now, I am angry about this for two reasons.

  1. He was damn well right. Don’t ever tell a kid they are wrong when they are right. Do you really want to kill their interest? Their desire to learn? Their curiousity to embrace the world around them?
  2. She was clearly “dumbing down” the content based on the kids’ ages. How insulting?!? These kids have been studying marine conservation and marine life for the better part of this year, with a greater understanding than most of the parents that were ‘supervising’. The minute she ‘dumbs down’ the content, she lost all respect (and subsequently interest) from those kids. Inevitably, she lost the opportunity to really make a difference in the studies of these kids, particularly in a field that is not always considered a ‘popular career choice’.

Even the Northeast Fisheries Science Centre agree with Sinister:

Do fish
breathe air?

Yes, but not directly into the lungs as mammals do (except for some tropical fish). (Actually they breathe oxygen not air.) As water passes over a system of extremely fine gill membranes, fish absorb the water’s oxygen content. Gills contain a network of fine blood vessels (capillaries) that take up the oxygen and diffuse it through the membranes. 

Now, I love sending my spawnlings to school. They love going; we fill the gaps at home; and we have a good laugh keeping track of any ‘competitors’ for world domination when they will come of age.

But the idea of ‘educators’ like this one – in roles (albeit small ones) educating the next generation? It is extremely frustrating. Not so much on the incorrect information. More to do with the negative approach taken when they are obviously in a role inappropriate for them.

Yes, I know – not all are like this. I’m sure to hear the argument of “she is probably only one of a small few like that!”

But she is still one. One who had influence over 100 kids that particular day alone.

Now I have to go and read up on marine biology. Apparently Sinister wants to learn more about Lemon Sharks – and quite clearly, there are gaps from the excursion that need to be filled.

Hail to the Bacon – Part 2 (Bacon-Base Quiche)

ERMERGHERD!!!!

IT TASTES SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!

*Ahem* As you were.

So, as discussed last night in the initial Hail to the Bacon post, I decided to create a bacon-based quiche to truly respect the awesome-ness of Bacon Week in Australia.

Awesome little country that. Has a whole week for bacon. Now that’s genius.

Anywho – here is my bacon-based quiche:

Ingredients:

  • 6 eggs;
  • Bacon – I used 10 pieces of short-cut bacon, but the longer ends of rashers would probably work better.
  • Thickened cream – about 1/2 cup.
  • Grated cheese – personal preference, I used about 1/3 cup of cheddar.
  • 2 large potatoes.
  • Salt & Pepper.
  • Kale (in all honestly, I had the Kale on the bench. Really I did – then I forgot to add it in. So I don’t know how much to use. I promise to use it next time… maybe).
  • Pie dish
  • Wax paper.

Method:

1.  Preheat oven to 200-220 degrees Celsius. Give or take. Depends purely on the gremlins living in your oven, effecting the temperature and cooking performance, so watch it and take it upon yourself.

IMG_12642.  Line your pie dish with the waxed paper. Make sure that plenty hangs over the edge so that you can just lift the quiche out, but at the same time stop any leakage from the quiche.

3.  Line the paper with a base level of bacon. I had seen a few pics online of IMG_1265‘lattice bacon’, however I only had short-cut bacon on hand. So I did a ‘mandala’ style layer around the bottom. Yes, the egg mixture will leak through, but it will then cook into a solid mass so it won’t matter. Dude – it’s bacon!! Just layer the damn thing!!

4.  Slice up your potato thinly – the thinner the better. It will cook better. You want it cooked. Trust me on this.

5. Layer the potato on top of the bacon, all around the dish. Again, the egg mix will work around it. I think at this stage I should have added the kale but … meh.

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6.  Whisk your eggs and cream together, and then pour over the potato. Make sure it doesn’t spill over the top of your pie dish, but make it as full as you want.

7.  Sprinkle the cheese over the top. Add a bit of salt and pepper to taste – I added some ‘Bush Spice’. Very noice.

8.  Cook in the oven for about 45mins. Keep checking it. You should be able to see that the bacon hanging over the edge is cooked, the egg/cheese on top has browned. I originally did 30mins but the potato needed just a little extra time.

9.  Lift out of the tin and it should maintain its shape. Cut up and eat.

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EG Dad: I didn’t have many doubts, because it is bacon. But still – this is good!

Sinister: Finished!! Really good!! Can we have it again?

Nefarious: So yummy! I like bacon. Can we have bacon tomorrow?

EG Mum: It worked!! Huzzah!! Pastry is for pansies!!

 

Go now and spread the word. Bacon week. Bacon-base quiche.

Hail to the Bacon, baby.