Evil Genius Parent Award #27

One of the (many) high schools I attended was directly across the road from my house.

I kid you not.

I could wake up up 0830, throw my uniform on, tie my hair back, grab some toast and a banana as I walk out the front door, cross the road and walk in to my home class for roll call.

Problem: I usually woke up closer to 0850 – with 5mins spare to do all the above (including crossing the road carefully). It used to crack my friends up – a few took pity and would come over to wake me up a little earlier. Not always guaranteed.

EG Grandad (at the time) was ex-military. He tried so hard – really, he did – to instill some sense of ‘timeliness’ in me. It didn’t work. If anything, I think I merely contributed to his downward spiral of mental health. We laugh about it now.

In fact, I married a man whose family would regularly tell him a start time for family events 30mins before he was actually required to be there.

Again, I kid you not.

So, now I have spawnlings of my own, the concern has been raised by a number of friends: “How will you teach the spawnlings how to turn up on time?

While I personally don’t see a great problem with this, I understand the need to reject my sense of reality and world domination.

Fortunately, Beth Woolsey (Five Kids Is A Lot Of Kids) has provided me with a parenting approach that I think will satisfy this ‘problem’ while still maintaining my Evil Genius Mum nature AND show our vision for the future.

Unsolicited Parenting Tip #2: Cultivate a spirit of late. Late for school, late for sports practice, late for church, late for parties. Just generally late.

Yes, this will make your friends crazy. Yes, it will upset the children. And yes, your Marine father won’t be a big fan.

But eventually, after decades of carefully honing your craft — late with surprise bursts of on -time to keep ’emall guessing — your children will have had enough.

Your children will have had enough, and they will do more than protest. They will unite against you. They will rise up and form a more perfect union. Teamwork! They will, get this, BE PROACTIVE. They will plan ahead. They will set alarms. They will wake up early. They will get themselves ready and urge their pokey siblings to do the same. They will keep an eye on the clock. They will monitor their mama’s progress and offer gentle reminders at the top of their lungs every minute or so.

And then, for one glorious day, they will be on time. Every last one of them.

And all because their mama was wise enough to cultivate a spirit of late.

The End.