One of the (many) high schools I attended was directly across the road from my house.
I kid you not.
I could wake up up 0830, throw my uniform on, tie my hair back, grab some toast and a banana as I walk out the front door, cross the road and walk in to my home class for roll call.
Problem: I usually woke up closer to 0850 – with 5mins spare to do all the above (including crossing the road carefully). It used to crack my friends up – a few took pity and would come over to wake me up a little earlier. Not always guaranteed.
EG Grandad (at the time) was ex-military. He tried so hard – really, he did – to instill some sense of ‘timeliness’ in me. It didn’t work. If anything, I think I merely contributed to his downward spiral of mental health. We laugh about it now.
In fact, I married a man whose family would regularly tell him a start time for family events 30mins before he was actually required to be there.
Again, I kid you not.
So, now I have spawnlings of my own, the concern has been raised by a number of friends: “How will you teach the spawnlings how to turn up on time?”
While I personally don’t see a great problem with this, I understand the need to reject my sense of reality and world domination.
Fortunately, Beth Woolsey (Five Kids Is A Lot Of Kids) has provided me with a parenting approach that I think will satisfy this ‘problem’ while still maintaining my Evil Genius Mum nature AND show our vision for the future.
Unsolicited Parenting Tip #2: Cultivate a spirit of late. Late for school, late for sports practice, late for church, late for parties. Just generally late.
Yes, this will make your friends crazy. Yes, it will upset the children. And yes, your Marine father won’t be a big fan.
But eventually, after decades of carefully honing your craft — late with surprise bursts of on -time to keep ’emall guessing — your children will have had enough.
Your children will have had enough, and they will do more than protest. They will unite against you. They will rise up and form a more perfect union. Teamwork! They will, get this, BE PROACTIVE. They will plan ahead. They will set alarms. They will wake up early. They will get themselves ready and urge their pokey siblings to do the same. They will keep an eye on the clock. They will monitor their mama’s progress and offer gentle reminders at the top of their lungs every minute or so.
And then, for one glorious day, they will be on time. Every last one of them.
And all because their mama was wise enough to cultivate a spirit of late.
As found on her Facebook page.
So, to my best friend – who just this week announced how angry she is with friends and family being tardy – this is for you.
In fact, I’m putting this EG Parenting advice into practice just for you. Partly because it will mess with my spawnlings in such a way that will actually improve them in the long run. And partly because it will mess with my best friend (and others) in such a way that I will be entertained for days.
Thanks Beth. Well done.
Now I just need a plausible reason for not tidying the house.
Recently, I have been asked what the criteria is for the infamous Evil Genius Parent Award.To be honest, it’s purely subjective – and so it should be. It’s not like I’m going to be offering a democracy when I take over the world.But I do like to help you out. Mainly because by helping you, I increase my own entertainment – at your expense.Win/win. 😀So what do I look for? Mainly three (3) things:* Make me laugh* Show that it wasn’t an accident – you DID actually think about how to outsmart your spawnlings, even if only by a fairy-tip-toe* Make it known within the weekYep. That’s it. I told you – it’s subjective.This week’s recipient satisfies all of that: Suburban Snapshots. And I like the fact that her blog isn’t your stock-standard, boring, blogs that I see a lot of. *sigh* She’s a photographer who is trying to muddle through the strange world of parenting, while bluffing it all with her kid. And if this is how she prepares for her Summer Holidays, I look forward to reading more.Watching Jaws with Anna because this summer I just want to relax on the beach with a book for a change.See, it’s not so much about educating your children – it’s the context of their education that shows your greatest EG Parent potential.
I came across a Letter of Resignation this week that had me pause and appreciate the evolutionary power of a very evil genius parent. One that almost every other human parent will face, if not fear, at some stage in their parenting role.
This simple little creature has bettered one of the most admired bloggers and mothers out there: Kerri Sackville. She seriously was considering quitting due to the immense power and utter control of Head Lice.
That’s. Just. Awesome!
Who here hasn’t dealt with head lice yet? Here’s a pic for you:
The greatest irony of head lice is that they LOOOOOOOVE clean hair. You really are damned if you do and damned if you couldn’t give a flying rats… you get the idea.
Of course, there are some minions who claim they have the Holy Grail of solutions for taking care of lice at every stage of the cycle. Pah. There is no Holy Grail Solution. This is what makes the Adult Head Lice such an Evil Genius – it evolves. It is like the Borg (Star Trek reference, minions… don’t make me explain it to you). These little blighters will adapt to any solution you throw at them, except for one:
Simple patience and time.
And how many evil genius parents have time and patience available?!? Especially to spend in close proximity with *gulp* the spawnlings!
Well played, Head Lice.
Alas, Kerri Sackville appears to have been negotiated out of her resignation and is back at her post. So perhaps the Head Lice have not one this battle today.
Nevertheless, I will still award them the Evil Genius Parent Award for this week. For their ability to lay eggs at the sweet young age of 2-days old. For sticking around with such persistence. And for encouraging usually well-mannered parents to perform levels of neglect in washing their spawnlings’ hair.
And special mention to Kerri Sackville, for bringing this to our attention and introducing us to some of her wise followers with some excellent suggestions for treatment.
Yeah, not exactly screaming evil is it.
“Oooohh!! Look out!! Here comes the Environmentally Friendly EG Mobile!!”
But imagine the money I could save with this – money to go towards bigger, better, more evil toys!! YES!!
Anywho, I don’t care. This is cool.
Pretty sweet, right?
Of course, they claim that it will cost you nothing and is 100% environmentally friendly. Not completely true.
You still need some sort of power source to compress the air in the first place. Even if they do work out a way to compress air while you drive, there will still be some small element of energy lost in the process of doing so. Thus, you will still need a top up at some point.
Secondly, I am curious about the safety measures they have taken for insulating the engine bay from sudden decompression and punctures/leaks. Might be a tad expensive replacing the front half of the car each time you accidently rear-end someone, causing the car to go boom (not that I do that – I’m an awesome driver, of course). Probably still safer than the LPG stuff, but I’m curious nevertheless.
Finally, I’d like to see how efficient it remains when applied to a bigger scale – like a 6-seater. EG Inc is growing, y’know!
All in all, pretty darn cool. And cheaper to run than some gas-guzzlers out there. Which gives me more money for the defence system I need to put in place around my left-over Festival of Chocolate supply.
What do you think? Is this a viable option for the future? Would you be willing to drive it?
Which sicko out there thought it was a good idea doing April Fools Day straight after “Chocolate/Diabetic Coma Long Weekend?”
Do you have any idea how long it takes for kids to wake up on Monday morning after they have filled their bellies with chocolate eggs and bunnies? Well, in our case – not as long as you think.
After hiding their eggs on Sunday in the garden as planned, we then woke on Monday morning and told them that they had not found all the eggs. Go back outside and find the remaining 6 or so before the wildlife do.
There was about an extra 30mins of bliss. And then about 30mins of revenge, which was still just as funny.
Nevertheless, due to Monday being April Fools Day, I had decided to allow a little extra time to see which aspiring Evil Genius Parent could inflict the most entertainment on their spawnlings. Thus, delayed publishing date.
And there have been some goodies and some oldies.
I really like the idea of turning onions into toffee apples.
Or how about replacing the cream from inside Oreos with toothpaste? Nice.
However, special mention this week goes to Lady-Create-a-Lot, who has about 12 years of experience tormenting her husband and was more than willing to share her ideas for tormenting the kids as well.
On her blog, Lady-Create-a-Lot has shared at least 30 harmless (awwwww) pranks to do. I say: why restrict yourself to just April Fools Day? There’s enough here to try a new one every fortnight or so!
My faves are:
- #6 Block the remote signal with tape – this would bug the hell out of the spawnlings;
- #28 Wet Paint trick – mind you, may not work on boys. Have you ever heard of the Wet Paint Rule for Boys?
- #33 Alarm clocks – and with iPhones you can set more than 1 alarm very easily.
Head over and check it out. Definitely a few to keep in mind for next year… Or next week.