Evil Genius Parent Award #15

Yep. Today is Tuesday.

Yep. The day after Monday.

Well, some crazy idea is floating around that if you are on your best behaviour, some fat freaky guy will give you a present. So, of course – the gullible minions have fallen for this trick. Makes it pretty difficult to find anyone worthy of the Evil Genius Parent Award.

That is, until today.

This morning, millions of parenting minions all banded together to exhibit an act of Evil Genius Parenting – an act that is passed down from generation to generation (predominantly in Western Christian civilization, but can be found in other households that like to do things for shits and giggles).

Millions of parents attempted to sleep-in an extra 15mins knowing that their kids were about to spontaneous self-combust with anticipation for the presents sitting in the loungeroom.

If you stayed in bed an extra 5mins, good for you. Try harder next year.

If you played dumb and scored an extra 10mins, then consider this your honorary mention.

But if you were able to resist the begging, the yelling, the tearing-your-eyelids-open-while-knees-in-chest approach and score 15mins or more, then CONGRATULATIONS!! This week’s Evil Genius Parent Award is yours!

Back in my own spawnling days, my EG Grandpa was once found hiding on the trampoline outside (in North Queensland, Aust). Took us half an hour to find the dodgy ol’ bastard before we were even allowed touch the presents.

Tell us about your accomplishment in the comments today – Share your skills and exactly how much extra schnuggling you had under the covers.

Anyone up before 6am is pathetic and is relegated to minion clean-up duty for the new year.

Forensic Friday #5 – Crystal Star

Sinister’s teacher was a little unsure of the message behind his ‘End of Year’ Gift for her. (read: not Christmas because we celebrate Solstice instead)

Sinister made a Crystal Star.

A Borax Crystal Star.

She was all, “Oh wow. It’s beautiful!”… until I mentioned that Borax is toxic and she needs to wash her hands after touching, and definitely before touching anything she plans to eat.

Her look of confusion was almost as beautiful as the star. I wonder if she understands how much Sinister liked her as teacher. He sure did go to a lot of effort to find the right science experiment for Ms A’s Solstice gift.

Make Your Own Crystal Star

Materials:

  • Borax Powder (laundry section of supermarket);
  • Hot water;
  • Jar;
  • Stick (we used a chopstick);
  • Jar or large container – large enough to hold your star without it touching the sides or bottom;
  • Pipe cleaners;
  • Food colouring;
  • String;
  • Scissors.

Steps:

  1. Cut/Shape pipe cleaner in to star shape. We had 3 med pieces criss-crossing like a snowflake star;
  2. Tie a length of string to one ‘arm’ of the star. Tie the other end around the stick;
  3. Dissolve the borax powder in boiling water, about 3 tablespoons per cup of water. Half fill the jar. Add a few drops of food colouring, considering the colours of your pipe-cleaners. Note: Borax powder is poisonous – wash your hands after touching it.
  4. Place the stick across the top of the jar, so the star hangs into the borax water. Wait a few days for your star to grow – mind you, ours worked overnight.
And here's one we prepared earlier!

And here’s one we prepared earlier!

Side note for spawnlings: The Borax powder dissolves in the water. When the water evaporates, the borax is left behind, attaching to the pipe cleaner ‘star’ as tiny crystals. Although it is feels moderately sturdy, the star still needs to be treated with care. Hanging from a tree or door is fine – swinging around like a Ninja-star, not so fine.

Evil Genius Tool #3 – Pokemon

In the spirit of Christmas/Hanukkah/Solstice/Ninjamas, I walked away from this argument. However, in the spirit of Ninjamas, I definitely knocked her down a peg or two.

Oh EG Mum, what did you pick a fight over this time?”

This woman was trying to convince me how Pokemon is evil.

Naturally I agreed with her. Pokemon really is an Evil Genius Tool. But I don’t think she appreciated my reasoning.

You see – Pokemon is evil for a couple of reasons:

Commercial Viability

Let’s start at the obvious – Pokemon is owned by Nintendo. Sure, it originally started as a Gameboy feature (remember those?) but then it’s commercial viability became a tad obvious so Nintendo bought it and started flooding anime, manga, toys, books, magazines, and my favourite – trading cards.

Druddigon-New

If there is ever a way that you want to control a generation of kids – bring it out in trading cards. The little spawnlings go uber-competitive over the varying strengths and destructive value (love it). So of course, they want to buy more cards.

And here is the beauty – you can then watch young kids learn the value of individual cards and negotiate/bargain/extort accordingly. Some of these kids could teach a few commercial lawyers I know! All the separate values of the characters, plus the damage and danger – it’s amazing to watch in action. And all this over a printed piece of cardboard. Skills they learn for life.

Educational Value

So I’ve already touched on the negotiation/bargaining/extortion skills within Pokemon. But there is more – the trading card game is quite educational on the ground level. And once you know how to exploit this, any spawnling can convince any adult that Pokemon is good. This can lead to  stacks of cards from inexperienced parents and grandparents, as well as convincing principals to allow Pokemon in schools. Old article from last year, but I have heard of the same argument being used in many schools around the world ever since.

Telling this to EG Grandma and EG Opa has scored about a dozen full-size packs over the last year between our two spawnlings. Grandparents think they are tricking the kids into educational activities; Spawnlings know they are tricking the grandparents into buying them more cards, even when EG Mum has said earn the spending money yourself. Win-win; especially as I watch on in amusement.

Strategy of the Game

My final point is on the strategy of the game itself. You have to capture pokemon and enslave them to do battles for your own benefit. A bit like recruiting minions.

Rayquaza-New

In battle, the greatest of champions have a deep understanding of the strengths and weaknesses of the characters – and the players themselves. Have you ever seen a live-battle between two Trading Card Game players? It is intense, and inspiring. There are threats of clawing your (pokemon’s) throat out; claims of dirty play; screams of agony as they run out of energy (cards); and moans of despair as the last trophy card is turned over. It’s like WWE, but without the visual impairment of seeing the players in spandex. Bad spandex.

As entertaining as it may be, the strategy is quite amazing to see. I have watched as a 7yo determines the favoured style of pokemon in his opponent, readjust his approach accordingly – and willingly sacrifice his current pokemon to ensure that he can then move a subsequent card up and smash his opponent in such a way, the poor 28yo guy sniffed back a tear.

If Pokemon teaches Sinister and Nefarious skills like this, then I think my legacy is in good hands.

Naturally, pointing out these 3 chief values (for me) to this Other Mother did not help my argument. I think the response was more like fear – quick glance at her son watching Sinister and Nefarious battle it out. So, in the spirit of Christmas/Hanukkah/Solstice, I walked away.

Don’t even have the heart to tell her about Monsuno. Think Pokemon but with more genetic engineering.

But that’s a discussion for another day…

No commission, credit, or any other form of bribe was received from this post. Should have been – with the amount of money my kids are investing in this venture. Well played, Nintendo. Well played.

Evil Genius Parent Award #14

There is only so much “Cars” story-telling I can take. EG Dad says “Cars 2” is just as bad, even if it is about spies and big badda-booms.

However, there are limited CDs that EG Inc can agree on for the car. In fact, it’s a toss-up between the torture of the CD-choice and the torture of the argument making that choice.

Album

Enter Rhys Muldoon and his album               “I’m Not Singing“.

I swear, Rhys – contact me. With your amazing ability to appease EVERYONE in EG Inc, and my genius with subliminal messages… We will take over the WORLD!!

Now, let it be noted – I receive no commission for this post whatsoever. In fact, special Honorary Mention must be given to Reservoir Dad and his fantastic ability to convince me to buy the album. He originally gave 10 reasons; I had my credit card out at #4.

You are probably wondering what makes this album so worthy of an EGP Award? Such insolence… Nevertheless, the album passed a number of essential tests:

  1. Nefarious was singing the song in public, after only 2 listen-throughs, and he is usually not musically inclined. Nothing better than hearing your 3yo spawnling sing “Apples and Bananas, and Apricots too / All adds up to a very big poo” in the middle of the fruit/veg section of Woolworths;
  2. Sinister and Nefarious have both asked for EG Dad to take them to the Football – purely because of Footy Dad;
  3. When EG Dad hopped in the car alone, he seriously considered playing the album;
  4. All of EG Inc are interested a supporting concert (complete with 3yo-Mosh Pit), and subsequent follow-up album. If Rhys could team up with Kram (Spiderbait) for this one, who the hell will he coerce next time?!?

    Rhys Muldoon
    Looks innocent enough…

Rhys – you evil bastard. I’ve always known you had EG potential after listening to “Gay School” on Triple J mornings many years ago. But now you are actively selling items in the children’s market that you know   are irresistible to the adults (those who supposedly control the purse strings).

Evil, evil man.

Evil Genius Parent Award #14. Well-deserved.

Santa stole my concepts, so I’m stealing yours

I am not the person who writes wish lists to Santa.

More likely I’m the person Santa comes to for advice.

Face it: I don’t believe in the guy.

At Evil Genius Inc, we don’t ‘kill’ the guy per se. We merely encourage the genius to disprove the myths. Or at least, work with them. And the kids work really well with that.

* He travels around the entire world, delivering presents – in one night.

I’m more likely to believe in The Doctor turning up on my doorstep with his TARDIS and offering to share some of his technology in exchange for a poker buddy in the 1920s. But hey, Sinister is convinced he can have a working teleporter before school returns. Laziness begets genius.

* Santa knows when you’re sleeping.

Dude. I’m a mother. I never sleep. Nefarious has ensured that this week. Mainly because he realised that when EG Mum is tired, her defences drop and she’s suddenly eager to negotiate TV time. Extortion.

* He knows when you’ve been bad or good.

Well, I think I made this one easy for him, there’s no magic in that. But then the Fat Guy went a step further and introduced this Elf on a Shelf.

Come on! You are going to continue your stalking practices with an ’employee’ that encourages kids to practice espionage? Tad hypocritical. Kinda lazy. Leaning towards creepy.

As much as I don’t care for Santa, I do appreciate my minions. They are useful, and by encouraging their hope and need for celebration, I can usually enjoy some good laughs.

So, in the spirit of Christmas blogging, as started by Daddown Under, I intend to do a shout out to those minions who have given me the best laughs.

Let’s start with Patient Zero – Daddown Under. I’m the first to admit – he’s not like other minions. Partly because I think I have a kindred spirit – and yes, I DO think he can be that evil.

Close second – Reservoir Dad. He’s also a little evil; mainly because RD stays at home with 4 kids. 4 boys, in fact. That much testosterone would make anyone a little evil. I know – I’m female and have 2 boys. But somehow RD keeps me from blowing them up, and has encouraged my own insanity along the way.

Then there’s Lori over at Random Ramblings of a Stay At Home Mum. She’s not evil. Not even close. But her randomness inspires my evilness. And she likes jelly-beans. Double points. I’m sure there’s a Forensic Friday waiting for jelly-beans. And yes – jelly-beans are evil. Try feeding them to your kids before dropping them off at their grandparents.

Number 4 is iGameMom. Whenever I need to find a new techy device to distract the spawnlings while I finish off the Shrink Ray, she has it nailed. She even gives me tips on how to claim that it’s “educational”.

And the final blogging minion who may achieve a breather this week from shovelling my shit – at least for Christmas – is Hopscotch Children’s Boutique. Hopscotch is an old friend from way back who has probably seen more examples of my evilness than I care to admit on a public forum. The fact that she hasn’t shared any of these – yes, she is extorting me to get a mention. But damn it, she deserves a mention.

There you have it – sharing the joy with 5 other suckers. Now they have to figure out how to say something nice about 5 other bloggers, and would probably help saying something nice about the Fat Man. If you are expecting him to visit. And deliver presents.

Because you don’t have The Doctor’s number.

Evil Genius Parent Award #13

elf 01.jpg

Elf.

On the Shelf.

You think I’m about to Dis the Elf. Nah.

I am about to revel in its beautiful evilness. It is an amazing tool to encourage Evil Genius Parenting.

You know you’re onto a good thing when you can find more bitchiness about an inanimate object than praise and cheer-leaders.

For those who don’t know (I’m guessing you haven’t been sucked into Pinterest yet, or you have an awesome filter on FB), Elf on a Shelf is an elf figurine that comes with a story. Don’t we all?

This Elf is sent by “Santa” to watch over your kids and encourage good behaviour. Yep, this Elf will spy on your kids, report to Santa, and then turn up somewhere different in your house to ‘prove’ that he reported back.

Of course, some parents go further (sick fools), and create ‘scenarios’ where the Elf has been up to mischief. We’re talking ‘marshmallow fights’ in the kitchen, drinking from the toilet, humping Barbie, etc.

There are plenty of parents who are absolutely convinced it is the sole reason why Johnny and Sarah are so well-behaved now.

Oh, for fox sake!! REALLY?!? They have NO IDEA of the evil genius being encouraged here!! These parents are crafting the next generation of Evil Genius, and they aren’t even aware of it!

That’s right – this Elf is now encouraging the following behavioural traits:

  • Spying in the house – kind of obvious, especially if you walk around singing “He sees you when you’re sleeping”. But now you have to watch out for the kids spying on you…
  • Innocent because you’re cute – I actually disagree with this, because I think the Elf is KA-REEPY, but there are some awesome shenanigans been documented here. And apparently the Elf gets away with it because he is ‘adorable’. Watch this come back and bite you in the arse.
  • Criminal intelligence – sure, the crime scene is there, but no-one was caught in the act. ‘Apparently’ it happened when everyone was asleep, so there are no witnesses. Kids – you can get away with anything, so long as no-one sees you.
  • Extortion – I love this one, because if you learn this at a young age, it will set you up for life. That Elf is collecting private information, and threatening to release said information unless you meet his demands. Now, parents – remember what I said about Spying… Your kids are going to double-up with this lesson.
  • Lying – The Piece de Resistance. This is the keystone to Christmas, and of course, it is encouraged under the big, red, bow of “Spirit”. But can you really  tell when your kids no longer believe in the magic…  Or are they just playing you to get more and more – for the sake of “the magic”? Of course Sarah is going to behave, if you have agreed to Santa giving her an iPhone 5. Because she was SOOOOO heartbroken that last year Santa misread her letter and only gave her an iPod shuffle.

So, for each of you sweet, smiling parents out there, ‘playing’ with the Elf on the Shelf – Thank you. The sweetest Spirit of Christmas that you are inspiring right now is the Spirit of Evil Genius Parenting.

Do you have an Elf on the Shelf? Does he get up to any shenanigans during the night? Share them in the comments – we always love to hear about EG Parenting techniques put in to practice!!